The study of Masculinity and Femininity is a hot topic right now. Masculinity and Femininity within marriage create polarity. Many marital problems stem from polarity issues, so much so I think it's become an epidemic. Let's break it down...
Men don't attach emotion to everything, not because they don't care, but because masculinity is about breaking through things, celebrating the breakthrough, letting it go and moving on. Think of a football touchdown - breakthrough the end zone line, celebrate, let go, move on to the next play. Women, on the other hand, attach emotion to many things, are about filling up, gathering, nurturing, and details. That's why when a man crosses a woman, she can remember it (in great detail) for twenty years. This is fact. This is science. Men want emotional safety and respect from women. Women want love and certainty/security from men. See the polarity?
WHAT IS POLARITY?
Polarity, by definition, is the state of having two opposite or contradictory tendencies, opinions, or aspects. Think the positive and negative ends of a magnet, or the earth's polarity with the North and South Poles. Polarity is everywhere in existence, including humans with the masculine and feminine energies.
The Masculine energy leads with the mind/intellect, and the Feminine energy leads with the heart. Most females are born with an innate feminine energy and most males innately possess the masculine energy. These innate energies can change in time due to environment and life experience. For now, we'll discuss what's innate in most.
A man is innately designed to hunt, provide, and create security by staying alert to threats in his environment. The female is innately designed to talk, create, be jovial, nurture, connect, and be seductive. This is biology.
WHY IS POLARITY NECESSARY?
Polarity is essential for passion and playfulness to exist in marriage. Without polarity, husband and wife will repel each other, much like two negative ends of a magnet. But with one masculine and one feminine energy present in marriage, you'll be passionately drawn together like positively and negatively charged magnets. Ever hear that opposites attract? This is what people mean with that statement. The masculine energy is attracted to it's opposite, and likewise for the feminine. The masculine energy is represented by the Warrior and the feminine is represented by the Goddess.... every Warrior wants a Goddess and every Goddess needs her Warrior. Can you image how boring marriage would be if you were both the exact same in every way? You would never challenge each other, growth wouldn't occur, and you'd die of boredom - or at the very least, the marriage would die from fighting, because of boredom. Polarity is something to celebrate! Appreciate the opposite traits in your spouse because it's one of the cornerstones of balance in relationships. Love your partner's different qualities - its what brings balance and variety into your relationship.
There are a few circumstances that cause a male to dwell in the feminine energy: a domineering/controlling mother, an effeminate father, homosexuality, lack of self confidence and/or low self worth, a domineering wife, unprocessed traumas, multiple failures, a painful marriage, and divorce. There are several circumstances that cause females to dwell in the masculine energy: a masculine and/or domineering mother, any form of past/present abuse, a high powered career, unprocessed traumas, a painful marriage, divorce, single parenting, poor beliefs about men, and low self esteem and/or self worth.
There are conventional marriages today where the wife is the primary money maker and the husband stays home with the children. This works great for some, but it can cause marital problems long term because most women (even if it's subconscious) expect their husbands to be the primary provider and can end up feeling as if they have an extra child instead of a husband. Some men aren't the SuperMan, take-the-world-by-storm type, and their marriage is evolved enough that they both are happy with their respective roles, at least short term. But studies prove that most long-term relationships with these reversed 'traditional' roles, where the wife is the primary bread winner and the husband stays home or makes less annually , become asexual based on the above mentioned issues. A Conventional marriage CAN work long term, but you must be mindful of polarity and work hard to have balance.
THE DIFFERENCES IN MAKE UP
• soft natured, gentle, intuitive, soft spoken, loving, vulnerable, easy going, calm (non-reactive, non-attacking), a safe haven for the masculine heart, energetic, passive (non-aggressive), playful, fun, warm and inviting, smiles a lot, eyes sparkle from sheer delight, breathing freely and relaxed, has a lovely demeanor, seductive
• communicates without drama, neediness, reactivity, or attack
• communicates with honesty, openness, vulnerability, patience, understanding, and love
• provider, protecter, strong (mentally, emotionally, physically), committed, confident, passionate, leader, fights for/defends what’s right, aggressive, remains clam amidst a storm, present, focused, measured, in control (of himself: emotions, thoughts, behaviors), disciplined, caring, supportive, logical, has a strong resolve, is true to self, steps up
• the masculine energy eliminates all vulnerability unless he is with an emotionally safe woman
• the masculine energy represents safety, security, and provision, and is why the feminine energy has historically and biologically been attracted to masculinity
POLARITY PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
Polarity within marriage only becomes a problem if both spouses predominately dwell in the same energy. Just like magnets, you will repel each other. Some males dwell mostly in the feminine energy and some women in the masculine. If a husband dwells mostly in the feminine energy and the wife mostly in the masculine, both are happy, and the marriage is a success, then kudos to them! There's no right or wrong here, but history and studies show that men are happiest and most successful when they hold the masculine energy and women are happiest and most successful in the feminine energy. Listed below are some of the most commonly seen troubles relating to polarity issues within marriage.
• During marital difficulties, women (with the feminine energy) resent men (with the masculine energy) because men can freely express themselves sexuality at any given time (even in the trenches of marital distress) and women take a little warming up. It's one of the first things women shut down during marital difficulties. The fact that men can easily and freely express themselves sexually during marital troubles makes women feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or even used. Because women dwell mostly in the heart, they need to work through marital difficulties and make a heart or spiritual connection with their man to resume a sexual relationship (and feel good about it). This misunderstanding between masculine and feminine energies can create catastrophic storms within marriage.
• The American culture is obsessed with the idea of powerful and liberated women. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But as intriguing as Wonder Woman may be, is she really the woman that a good man wants to marry? Not likely. Why? A man will be very attracted to Wonder Woman at first, but that intense attraction loses steam once he sees what it takes on a deeper level for her to be Wonder Woman. Here's why... As a woman grows in power, confidence, and success in her career and in life, her masculinity is intensified (it is those masculine traits that allow her to be so damn good at what she does). Women in high powered career positions have a hard time turning off those leadership tendencies when they re-enter the home and marriage at night. A woman must work diligently to return to her feminine nature once entering the home and marriage after work. If she doesn't turn off those masculine tendencies when she returns home, her husband diminishes in his masculinity (at least at home and in the marriage - he may be fine with his masculinity at work, but at home and in the marriage he's toast). That's not to mean that men need women to have low self-esteem, no confidence, and no career ability, and it certainly doesn't mean that women can't or shouldn't take over a company, be a rockstar CEO, make a gazillion dollars annually, or rule the world.... But it is a reminder of how important it is for women to turn off the masculinity when she leaves her professional setting.
• When wives dwell mostly in the masculine energy, men are naturally emasculated- which means he is no longer a MAN (or at least doesn't feel or act like a man). The core of his identity has now been robbed by his wife and he can no longer lead, provide, or protect - or maybe he can, but he chooses not to because he's so defeated. Most men will not rise up against their wives to claim back their masculinity because it goes against their innate nature to protect and guard her. So many men give in, surrender, and allow their wife to lead in order to keep the peace. To rise up against her and claim back his identity as masculine, he feels like he is attacking the very one he is supposed to be protecting. To fight for his masculinity makes him feel like he is at war with the one he is supposed to guard. You can see the conflict here. It's not in the masculine nature to fight against woman. Masculinity desires to make women happy. A man would die to make the woman he loves happy and fulfilled. When a woman leads in marriage and dwells in the masculine energy, man steps down and begins to dwell more in the feminine energy, and then his wife loses respect for him, sees him as a weak pansy, and ultimately loses all attraction for him. Passion is gone.
• When husbands predominately dwell within the feminine energy, whether his wife is masculine or feminine, is wife will eventually lose attraction for him for the above mentioned reasons.
FOR THE FEMININE:
• Women, let go of trying to control your husband and understand that he needs to be a masculine man (which is not a controlled man). Allow him to handle his own stuff the way in which he needs. Allow him to go internal and if he doesn't reveal all his details, realize this is normal and what's necessary for him to function successfully. Respect that and give him the necessary space - he will be grateful to you for this. Inspire his commitment and masculinity by allowing him to lead, and allow him to make decisions on his own (this allows him to assert his right to lead and allows him to be deeply masculine with you). It also allows him to fall back in love with you and become more passionate. He'll give you his heart and devotion. He'll die to make you happy.
• When you approach a man with the agenda of having him open up to talk and share himself, the more he will feel like you're trying to control him, and his instinct is to twarft your approach - it's an innate, built-in self defense mechanism.
• Getting your husband to open up to you requires femininity from you. You have to be non-threatening, non-aggressive, non-pushy, non-emotional / dramatic, patient, and confident.
• When a man makes his woman happy, he feels successful. When a man feels successful, he feels important (significant). When a man feels significant, he is motivated to do more, to please more, and to be more open with you. So allow him to make you happy, show it, and then give him a verbal affirmation so he knows, without a doubt, the he's done a great job and made you happy in whatever way has occurred. This is very pleasing to men.
• Attract your man with warmth and an open heart (no game playing or hiding emotions).
• When a woman is connected to her heart, it blows a man's world wide open.
• Be emotionally safe for your man - this means no drama, rather, remain calm (not overly emotional), self confident, confident in him and his ability, and above all, be loving.
• Realize that beauty has nothing to do with makeup and hair, and everything to do with your SMILE and lovely demeanor.
FOR THE MASCULINE:
• Step up.
• Tap back into your masculinity by first starting with your identity and integrity. Write down a list of all the masculine traits you want to embody or grow in, read this list daily, and do everything you can to grow in these ways.
• Explain to your wife that you want to grow in masculinity. Explain what this means to you, what traits you're trying to work on, and why it's important to you. Explain how it feels to be emasculated and what it would do for you to grow in masculinity.
• Take back your masculinity by becoming an excellent leader in your marriage and home. Your wife may be confused by this in the beginning, especially if you've been in the feminine energy or if she's been dwelling in the masculine energy. It may take some getting used to on her part, but in the end, she'll love it and respect you for it. In time, she'll be more attracted to you as well. Passion will ensue.
• Join a men’s group where growing in integrity and maturity is a focus. Having a men’s support group will be more beneficial to you as a man, and to your wife and children if you have them than you can every imagine!
• Be transparent at all times. Being open, honest and transparent is a sign of trustworthiness and strength - all qualities that will be attractive to your wife, friends, coworkers, and well, everyone.
• Develop a moral code of ethics you wish to live by and adhere to them.
• Give back to humanity. Volunteering or contributing in a beautiful way will help keep you grounded and focused on what’s really important. Okay, so that ends the tips for men.
• If reversing the career bread-winning roles is appealing to you, or if you're already in that scenario, keep it as short-term as possible to preserve your marriage. Take as many extra precautions as possible to allow the husband to maintain the masculine energy and the wife the feminine.
People don't end marriages because of lack of love, relationships dissolve due to lack of passion. Lack of passion causes a host of problems: you feel insignificant, bored, people seek variety in unhealthy means, people start to complain about everything, fight more often, become unsatisfied in many areas, communication diminishes, connection fades, trust suffers, and it goes downhill from there. What's needed? Polarity. Polarity creates passion.
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