I dealt with a situation the other day where a wife asked her husband a question and he lied to her. He did not know she already knew the truth. So he lied.
He had not cheated. He hadn’t done anything wrong. But he did think that if he told the truth, she would get mad at him, be angry for awhile, and they both would suffer. He was actually trying to protect his wife and their marriage.
What he lied about had nothing to do with their marriage or his wife. It was something he did BEFORE he even met his wife. But the wife found out, asked him a simple question, and he gave a false answer.
Now all you men might be shaking your heads (yes) because you get it, you understand. All you women might be thinking, “Well, why would he lie? Why didn’t he just tell the truth? Why can’t he be honest at all times? You know, radical honesty? How am I supposed to trust him with big things if I can’t trust him in the little things like telling the truth about something that doesn’t really matter?”
Here’s the thing… men won’t always be honest with their wives if they don’t feel safe. If a man doesn’t feel safe sharing everything with his wife, knowing she won’t judge him, chastise him, fuss at him, nag him, or criticize him, become angry at him, where he feels like he’ll have to pay, stay in the doghouse, and then have to hear about this one thing for years (because we women store things away in our memory like a filing cabinet, and then when he does ONE thing wrong, we remind him of all twenty other things he did just like it over he last 15 years)… if a woman acts like this…. He won’t feel safe with her.
If the marriage is in a bad place, if it’s suffering for any reason, or trust has already been broken, then a man will be terrified of coming clean about ANYthing. When a man is afraid of upsetting his woman, or if the relationship is unstable, he’ll be afraid of losing her, he will feel DESPERATE. And when a man is desperate, he’ll do ANYthing to protect the woman he loves, even if it means lying to her.
So if your man doesn’t open up and talk to you - about his fears, his needs and desires, his feelings… chances are - he doesn’t feel safe. And it’s up to us women to prove to them that they are in a safe place with us.
Stop judging your man. Stop criticizing, nagging, complaining, being impatient or angry over silly things. Be calm and centered, let him know that whatever is going on in his world (his thoughts, feelings, desires) that he is safe with you - that you won’t judge him or criticize him - and that no matter what, you’ll love him UNconditionally. Okay?
Don’t crucify him, Forgive him.
Don’t criticize him, Praise him.
Don’t tear him down, Build him up.
Don’t judge him, Accept him.
Love him, adore him, dote on him, give him lots of cuddles and kisses.
Be his biggest supporter and best friend.
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Until next time, love one another! ...........