My marriage is about over. We’re having serious intimacy problems and have been for years. My husband is touchy-feely after a few drinks but doesn’t follow through with sex. I’m frustrated and feel unloved, unwanted, and undesired.
I’ve told him he isn’t respecting me when he behaves like this but he just shrugs his shoulders and it’s never talked about. We’re now sleeping in different rooms. He told me we can continue to sleep in separate rooms - that he’s done and our marriage is over.
Can’t he see his actions are what’s hurting me? If he doesn’t want to have sex, then why does he initiate foreplay with me? He blames me though - saying I’m pushing and selfish. We’ve had intimacy problems for years. We’ve increased frequency, but the quality isn’t great. He flirts with me often and even teases me, but then won’t have sex with me. He believes he should be able to touch me and get me turned on whenever he wants, but then he says he’s too tired to have sex.
Why doesn’t he care how me makes me feel and what this does to me? I’m frustrated. Is this marriage worth saving?
Sexually Frustrated Wife
Dear Sexually Frustrated Wife,
This isn’t about you. I know you’re frustrated and I know you’re hurt - and I'm sorry for that. But for a moment, put your feelings aside and try to understand your husband’s perspective.
He is initiating - he’s just not following through. You, my dear, have to understand = this isn’t normal for a healthy man. To me, there is serious concern for his health here. If he is flirtatious, wanting to connect, and even initiating with you, then he’s obviously been interested, he obviously wants to connect with you, and seems to WANT to be intimate. It sounds to me like he could be experiencing erectile dysfunction.
This is a super sensitive subject for men and not one they like to openly discuss. I think he needs to see a doctor immediately - not to snag a bottle of little blue pills, but to get a full cardio workup. Erectile dysfunction is the first symptom for most cardiac disease. The body’s smallest artery leads to a man’s penis and when a man has cardiovascular plague build-up, this artery is the first to get clogged and E.D. ensues.
If you’re accusing him of being disrespectful to you, when he’s really experiencing ED, he is likely to sleep in a separate room to escape the pressure you’re putting on him. This is incredibly hurtful for him and you're adding fuel to the fire. He’ll ask for a divorce to escape the pain and embarrassment you're inflicting on him.
I recommend a full cardio workup - and a LOT of compassion and understanding on your part. He is NOT disrespecting you. He’s trying to connect - but when he can’t follow through because of ED, he’ll tell you he’s too tired. This is much easier to say than admitting he can’t follow through. So of course he’ll run from you… because it’s embarrassing and hurtful for him. Your accusations of him disrespecting you and hurting you are only making him feel worse and driving a deeper wedge between you two.
Your last question: “Why doesn’t he care how me makes me feel and what this does to me?”…. he does care about you - that’s why he flirts and TRIES to be sexual. He does care about you. It’s time you look beyond yourself and start caring about him. Get him to a cardiologist. Straight away. if you need help, please reach out to me.
I also offer something called Marriage Talk - a weekly 90 minute virtual call every week where I teach and work directly with couples on my online platform. If you’d like to come join me or learn more, click HERE.
Sending my love and support,
Facebook group: Marriage Matters
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