I recently has a member in my Facebook Group Marriage Matters write the following comment regarding Spousal Support:
"It's so much better to feel supported by your spouse instead of sensing that they secretly hope you'll fail at something to maintain the status quo in marriage. I believe those feelings hide some kind of fear of which my wife may not even be consciously aware of. The crazy psychology of all is this has, in turn, caused ME to self sabotage my own efforts. It took some deep self examination to realize I have subconsciously done things to slow down progress, procrastinate or just outright create self-inflicted business problems." ~Paul M
MY RESPONSE TO THIS:
I understand WHY a spouse wants their partner to fail - and Paul is correct - many people are afraid of their spouse's success because they want to maintain the marital status quo (meaning: they don't want things to change because of different fears).
They might fear being abandoned, left behind, replaced, or becoming 2nd priority.
You may *think* it is jealousy - but all jealousy is, is a fear of feeling 'less than', not good enough or a fear of their own failure. From a psychological perspective, this makes sense and I see it often. But it's unhealthy for both partners.
When you find yourself not wanting your spouse to succeed or you don't want to try something new (new hobby, new career path, new friends, new education, new success)... Confront your fears. Go there. Sit with it. Ask yourself, "What's the absolute WORST THING that could happen?" And then create a solution for that worst thing. You'll often realize that it's not nearly as bad as you imagined - and many times it can turn out GREAT!
I once had a client who had an extreme fear of becoming homeless. She had a successful career (a business she owned!), family and friends that loved her, and a nice apartment. But she had this fear that crippled her DAILY. I asked her to sit with that fear. It was so uncomfortable for her she cried. I asked if she had any family or friends that would help her. She listed 9 people who would immediately take her in while she got her feet back on the ground, people who would feed her and provide shelter. This proved to her that she would actually NEVER be homeless, even if she lost everything.
So simply taking a moment to look at what would happen to her if her worst fear became reality (lost her business, lost her apartment, and had no money), we quickly created a solution. She began laughing, said her fear was 'silly' and she LET IT GO.
Letting go of her fear allowed for space in her life to receive abundant blessings that could come her way. Two months later she met the love of her life - her business started booming - and her fiance (yep - they're engaged!!!) has a very successful business, huge home and a Lamborghini. We now laugh at her old fear of becoming homeless. BUT... NONE OF THAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED FOR HER IF SHE HELD ON TO HER FEAR!
*You can't welcome the new without releasing the old.
*You can't welcome positivity without letting go of negativity.
*You can't receive blessings without letting go of fears.
Realize that when both partners are successful in whatever they do, both will be happier and fulfilled. THIS will create even more blessings in life - you'll create a marriage rich in connection, successful communication, passion, and a whole lot of LOVE!
HOW? - confront your fears AND work on your connection. Period.
When a couple has a strong connection, together they fear nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Facebook group: Marriage Matters
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